We didn’t plan on having three kids under the age of five (does anyone actually do that?).
We could barely manage our 15-month-old and three year-old while my Hubby was setting up a new business when I got the bloated gassy tummy, the overwhelming tiredness and the unsightly pimples around my mouth that all screamed KATEY, YOU ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!
So I took a pregnancy test. For the first time ever I was petrified of it being positive. I have always wanted a big family, but Motherhood turned out to be the complete opposite of what I’d imagined and the past four years had proven to be the hardest of my life to date.
We had struggled through pregnancy problems, two babies with severe reflux and dairy intolerance, iron-deficiency anaemia, gastro-related stuff and all of the NOT-SLEEPING-PRETTY-MUCH-EVER and endless screaming that goes hand-in-hand with these health problems. In fact, it had all become so hard that as we arrived home from a gut-wrenchingly long road trip before discovering this shock pregnancy (during which the relfluxy, boob-addicted dairy-intolerant baby screamed the entire umpteen hours), I yelled to my Hubby, ‘Put it in writing that I AM NEVER HAVING ANOTHER BABY’!!! (……..Ha!)
My anxiety was through the roof. Our finances were plummeting. Our marriage consisted solely of barking orders at each other as we crossed paths down the hallway like two angry zombies in survival mode. And I just felt like there was absolutely nothing left of me to give.
The pregnancy test, obviously, was postive.
I cried. I cried for an entire week. Worrying how I would cope. Worrying if I could be a loving Mum to this innocent new life who just seemed to turn up uninvited in my womb [at the time, Mummy and Daddy’s dalliances were almost as rare as an Australian female Prime Minister]. Another person to care for just seemed like too great a task and let’s not forget that I only have two arms – now I would be outnumbered 3-to-1.
Then the self-loathing started. I had gone through a loss between our first two kids and I had desperately wanted that baby – I was heartbroken when I lost her. Miscarriage is very common and I am very fertile, but I still loved the baby I would never get to meet. Why wasn’t I feeling the same way about this one?
Then I started to feel guilty. Guilty that I felt more for a baby I’d lost a few years ago than I did for the one I was destined to meet in seven months’ time. What a cold heart-hearted witch. Guilty that I can practically fall pregnant at the mere sight of my Hubby when there are many women out there who, for so many reasons, want nothing more than to have a baby – but can’t. What an ungrateful bitch. Guilty that I didn’t feel like anything good could come from the arrival of this one. You do realise you’re talking about your own flesh and blood, not a handbag you accidentally ordered online, you selfish cow?
But it all changed in a heartbeat. Her heartbeat.
On paper she was going to break me. She didn’t. In real life she fit seamlessly into our little family and brought us closer together. What on earth would we do without her?
So we named her Aurelia – like the golden dawn. And her rays of light continue to fill our home with unexpected happiness each and every day.
When night was its darkest
no light creeping in,
She lit up the dawn
with her dimples and chin,
We thought she’d bring chaos
and hardship our way,
But it’s splendour and joy only
with our baby, Rey.
K-MUMbler x x